I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
