the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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