i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
