it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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