the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
