Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
