Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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