it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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