girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
