Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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