I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
