was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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