Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
