dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
