you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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