bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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