There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
