I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
