My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
