i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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