Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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