did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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