I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize