i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
porn star boner night. come get it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
