There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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