I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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