he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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