My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
