I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
