When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
