You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
