Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
