Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
