come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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