he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
he was CRYING into my vagina
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
