I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
