Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
