My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
