So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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