Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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