apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
