I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
