She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
