y did u give ur computer a hand job?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
