Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
