I'm really into asian looking animals
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
