Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
