Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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