At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
