I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Actions speak louder than pants.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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