So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
