So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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