so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
