Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize