I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
