Don't make out with my wife yet
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
