I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
