U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You're like the curious george of whores
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
