He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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